FUCK! I'm trying to explain myself to all of you, and you are all attacking me, and it's hard because I really want to give in and it all makes sense at the time. And then I go around and it makes no sense at all and I don't want to do anything they said. And I truthfully want to stay. And I'm lucky that he doesn't want to split. And I'm grateful. And I just wish I could have avoided all of this. And then FUCK YOU--I'm sorry. 

That moment, when I basically denied him. I wish I could take it back. I mean, I hate him for talking to her, and looking at her with those god damned eyes, and smiling. I hate him for being so damn confusing, and having this hold on me, but judging me at the same time. I hate him and like him for that. 

And it's dah, I say I'll trust? Shit. He has been there for me. He has shared with me his own world and taken my world too and made it light; but after those wonderful moments, deep in the dark, later on, he uses them to get at me. And never to the point of destruction...just to the point of chipping away at my trust. But the high I get from selling my stories and feeling so free and open, and being totally carefree and happy--they are worth the cliffhangers, and nail-biting ponderings of whether or not he's that fucked up to do something like that to me.

Well FUCK HIM too. You used to be there. But that's over too.

-_____- yeah, I know I sound bipolar. It's just all the ups and downs of today complied into a paragraph that makes it seems so.