S= ME. 

looks at me. "Do you want a hug? (leaning in)

"No. (pushes him away) Don't even fucking touch me."

Grabs his stuff, I hop into ***

J "Bye!!" ( smiling )

S (fakes smile :) )

2minutes later I get a call...

J"Are you mad at me"

S"uhhhhhhhh. no?"

J"Well.."

S"I'm...whatever about you."

J"But--"

S"Listen, I'm driving right now, I'll call you later."

J"Oh, okay, well...(explains situation) I'll call you back after ***"

S"Mk. Bye."

god, he just went about it the wrong way earlier. I'm tired of catering. 

Warning: Tables will turn on you J. It's all about me now. 

I deserve better. 

I avoid you all week.You avoid me all week.  I get a call from you and ignore it. I get two calls from you and ignore them. I see you yesterday, unexpectedly, out of the blue, and it was... grudgingly amusing. You are so confident. I wish you weren't. You intimidate me, although I know I am better than that; better than you. And I get a call this morning, and it was surprising. And that is the only reason why I talk to you. You are surprising. 
I've figured it out.
I know everyone all to well, all my friends are redundant and routine. I know their actions too well, but I don't know yours at all. I wish I did at times so I could beat you at your own game, but I don't know what to expect with you. 
Surprise.
Surprise. 

We are blatantly avoiding each other. I wonder why?


It's all so humorous how we can be so comfortable loose alone, but so absolutely abashed and awkward together in a large group. I hate seeing him when I'm with my group, but when we are alone, I don't care. 
He'll go missing, but as soon as his friends leave, and I'm alone, in a hall way...opening my locker, he'll come out of nowhere and grab me. It's all so interesting. I'd rather be with someone else, but when no one is there, he's the one I see. He's satisfying, although he lacks in some areas; but I'm complacent and it's all just a game.
A terrible wonderful feckless pleasurable stupid reckless game. 

Perhaps single thoughts, those that have a way of transposing to active natures, are the most ungrateful, conniving, persistent ideas engendered by the human mind. 

But where would I be without them?

DIRTY LITTLE MINDS ARE SO MUCH FUN. 

Never mind. I don't need anyone. 
I am satisfied with just those eyes...

All these eyes, and the ways they look at me,

I just want one pair watching me.

Don't speak, Don't speak, yours is the only one I want to hear.

All those voices around me don't scare me, It's yours I fear.

Tell me what I 'm dying to know, 

Hold on forever or just let me go.

I'm waiting, and running, and losing my mind.

I can't focus on anything, I can't decide.

All these hands coming at me, and all this pleasure I feel,

The longer he waits, the more that I deal.

And I know what this leads to, why do you do this to me.

You're the only one, the only one that means anything to me.

And I swear, this might be a phase, 

I could just be going through one of those days

But I can't seem to free myself from your eyes,

and I know you must be my demise. 

I'd be so much worse if not for him,

I'd be trying so much shit, but I feel like I owe it him.

You've still got me tied, tied down to your expectations,

and I cant bear to stray, I can't give in too much, to my temptations.

He's the one to blame, He took me away and ruined me for the rest,

And I can't live with all this guilt; leaving me distressed. 

I'm hoping you run away, and then come and sweep me off my feet.

Because deep down, through it all, you keep me complete. 

But, thinking now, it must be my heart,

logically speaking he's torn me apart.

You took me for a ride, I needed to see, 

but when you left me, you stole my missing piece.

He's worse for me than I'd like to say,

But still hes what I want and what I need today.

That single minute, fear flashed before me. Is this what I'll see when I think back to the time? Is this the moment that'll change everything? I have been thinking of it, but this certainly changed my mind about the question of: TO WHOM. I never knew how much it was worth until it was almost stolen. And it flashed before me, and I didn't know what to do, and all I could do was say no. And no. And no. And no. And no. And it was a struggle. And I don't know what would've happened had he overpowered me, and then continued on...

But luckily it was avoided. And I know, it would have been easy to give in. And I know he was banking on that. And I know what I want now. And I know if I am ever in that situation again, with someone else,
it won't be so easy...

It's a great feeling to feel desired. And that feeling captivated me today. And it's a great feeling to be whisked away and picked up, and hugged, and kissed. And even though it's fake, I knew it would never be real. He's an escape that I have consented to. He might think he's taking advantage, that he's the player, but I feel the same way. And together we are playing each other, and we don't care. And It's quite enjoyable, this arrangement we have... 

TO WHOM it may concern:


I was so tired today, I just gave in. And I probably would have given in to ANYTHING....
Too bad you didn't know that. 

I don't care what he thinks. It doesn't matter anymore. I repeat the mantra in my head. Over and over again. But it doesn't seem to help. I am dying to have a best friend in him. But I can't make the transition. I'm not comfortable with him. And I am a hypocrite. I never thought he let his guard down with me. And he never did. He never really has for more than a phone call. And I always hated him for that. Always. I've spilled all the guts I have, only for him to swallow them up and save them for the future.

But this other guy. He's comfortable. He trusts me; even when I haven't proven him I'm trustworthy. And I'm still healing and still trying to recover from something I never knew I had; a heart. And I don't want anything more but a way to escape right now. 

ESCAPE. 

Because, I do care what he thinks. I do wonder if I run around in his mind. I do wonder where he's at now. Because I am so far away from the girl he knew me as. I am still rooted in the same soil, but my leaves are changing colors, and my flowers and transforming into something no-one has ever seen. And I do not know what that means. 

But I can't face the truth. We aren't ready. I want to escape.

But there's this consequence. If he ever finds out the truth, I'd be different in his eyes. But the double standard doesn't apply (to him). It's so frustrating. I wish I could destroy my thoughts and his own. We could live on impulse and instinct, and everything would be clear.

We could live like animals.

Happy, wild, animals.

I couldn't see him as the type who could get serious. But I saw that side of him today, and it was absolutely irresistible. I have no idea how I can win him over though. He's Different. He's smart, athletic, a jerk, a dork, absolutely optimistic in his actions, but his mind is terribly critical. He speaks differently, and I've never met anyone like him. I have no idea how to approach him. I interact with him a lot daily, but I definitely haven't been "interested" until now. 

But at the end of the day, he's a man like all the others.

And I can work with that. ;)

on my mind

HIM. SEX. LOVE. HOPE. FUTURE. PAIN. PAST. SEX. LOVE. FRIENDS. HIM.

DESIRE IS EATING ME ALIVE.