Those stupid boys that I ditch and they try so hard to come backkkk

I don't want to let them back in. For a few of them, I feel like a bitch--but a realistic bitch.
For others, it's a suspicious, "you and I probably are just no-good together"
And for most, it's what they deserve. You cannot just prance right back into my life, after all you have done.

FUCK! I'm trying to explain myself to all of you, and you are all attacking me, and it's hard because I really want to give in and it all makes sense at the time. And then I go around and it makes no sense at all and I don't want to do anything they said. And I truthfully want to stay. And I'm lucky that he doesn't want to split. And I'm grateful. And I just wish I could have avoided all of this. And then FUCK YOU--I'm sorry. 

That moment, when I basically denied him. I wish I could take it back. I mean, I hate him for talking to her, and looking at her with those god damned eyes, and smiling. I hate him for being so damn confusing, and having this hold on me, but judging me at the same time. I hate him and like him for that. 

And it's dah, I say I'll trust? Shit. He has been there for me. He has shared with me his own world and taken my world too and made it light; but after those wonderful moments, deep in the dark, later on, he uses them to get at me. And never to the point of destruction...just to the point of chipping away at my trust. But the high I get from selling my stories and feeling so free and open, and being totally carefree and happy--they are worth the cliffhangers, and nail-biting ponderings of whether or not he's that fucked up to do something like that to me.

Well FUCK HIM too. You used to be there. But that's over too.

-_____- yeah, I know I sound bipolar. It's just all the ups and downs of today complied into a paragraph that makes it seems so.

I want to crawl into my bed, wrap myself in the warmth, nestle my head on the softness, and sleep.

It's just so dark outside. And my bed is just so comfortable. And I'm so done. And this music is so good. And I feel like I've solved a problem--and it feels good. And I feel calm. I feel empty. 

Walk right on out. And it's just like you to try to walk right in. I fear, there will be more people like you in my life. In fact, I know it. 


You do this. And it's so...you. I'd expect it from you. It's when _____ does it--or clearly will do it, that's when the struggle will occur. 

"You're not down." You're right. I really am not. As much as it sounds convenient, the lesson DAH taught me sunk deep into me. Damn him for that lesson. I might tell him--but that'll make his ego grow. I don't need that. But maybe it'll help clear some of that tension. I don't mind it, the tension, but graduation is coming along. I don't want to end on a bad or misconstrued note with him.


So... AB, CV, KS.
AB opened me, CV was probably the best so far, KS really messed up my plan of trying to play it out "correctly."
But yeah. I don't feel being all philosophical on this page right now, even though I usually try to. 


I just want to make all those big decisions, and get them over with. I tried flipping a coin. And it's true what they say, the moment you throw it in the air, you see the coin, almost in a slowed time, it's being tossed upwards, and it's going up further, and dancing in the air, and all the while you are watching it, in the back of your mind you are repeating the choice you truly want. You're watching it and praying to God, and every possible god out there, you're praying to that coin, and that shiny president who's getting dizzy up in the air. You're praying to gravity, praying that timing lets you catch it at the precise moment so that when you check it, it gives you the answer you want. But it doesn't matter what it says in the end. You can just throw it and let it fall, because in that split second, as the coin is falling rapidly, plummeting to the floor, you know what you want, you know what you should choose. It's clear. I did that. I made a decision, in the car, before an intersection at a red-light turning to green. I know what I want. But now... my dilemma is: What do I need?