Those stupid boys that I ditch and they try so hard to come backkkk

I don't want to let them back in. For a few of them, I feel like a bitch--but a realistic bitch.
For others, it's a suspicious, "you and I probably are just no-good together"
And for most, it's what they deserve. You cannot just prance right back into my life, after all you have done.

FUCK! I'm trying to explain myself to all of you, and you are all attacking me, and it's hard because I really want to give in and it all makes sense at the time. And then I go around and it makes no sense at all and I don't want to do anything they said. And I truthfully want to stay. And I'm lucky that he doesn't want to split. And I'm grateful. And I just wish I could have avoided all of this. And then FUCK YOU--I'm sorry. 

That moment, when I basically denied him. I wish I could take it back. I mean, I hate him for talking to her, and looking at her with those god damned eyes, and smiling. I hate him for being so damn confusing, and having this hold on me, but judging me at the same time. I hate him and like him for that. 

And it's dah, I say I'll trust? Shit. He has been there for me. He has shared with me his own world and taken my world too and made it light; but after those wonderful moments, deep in the dark, later on, he uses them to get at me. And never to the point of destruction...just to the point of chipping away at my trust. But the high I get from selling my stories and feeling so free and open, and being totally carefree and happy--they are worth the cliffhangers, and nail-biting ponderings of whether or not he's that fucked up to do something like that to me.

Well FUCK HIM too. You used to be there. But that's over too.

-_____- yeah, I know I sound bipolar. It's just all the ups and downs of today complied into a paragraph that makes it seems so.

I want to crawl into my bed, wrap myself in the warmth, nestle my head on the softness, and sleep.

It's just so dark outside. And my bed is just so comfortable. And I'm so done. And this music is so good. And I feel like I've solved a problem--and it feels good. And I feel calm. I feel empty. 

Walk right on out. And it's just like you to try to walk right in. I fear, there will be more people like you in my life. In fact, I know it. 


You do this. And it's so...you. I'd expect it from you. It's when _____ does it--or clearly will do it, that's when the struggle will occur. 

"You're not down." You're right. I really am not. As much as it sounds convenient, the lesson DAH taught me sunk deep into me. Damn him for that lesson. I might tell him--but that'll make his ego grow. I don't need that. But maybe it'll help clear some of that tension. I don't mind it, the tension, but graduation is coming along. I don't want to end on a bad or misconstrued note with him.


So... AB, CV, KS.
AB opened me, CV was probably the best so far, KS really messed up my plan of trying to play it out "correctly."
But yeah. I don't feel being all philosophical on this page right now, even though I usually try to. 


I just want to make all those big decisions, and get them over with. I tried flipping a coin. And it's true what they say, the moment you throw it in the air, you see the coin, almost in a slowed time, it's being tossed upwards, and it's going up further, and dancing in the air, and all the while you are watching it, in the back of your mind you are repeating the choice you truly want. You're watching it and praying to God, and every possible god out there, you're praying to that coin, and that shiny president who's getting dizzy up in the air. You're praying to gravity, praying that timing lets you catch it at the precise moment so that when you check it, it gives you the answer you want. But it doesn't matter what it says in the end. You can just throw it and let it fall, because in that split second, as the coin is falling rapidly, plummeting to the floor, you know what you want, you know what you should choose. It's clear. I did that. I made a decision, in the car, before an intersection at a red-light turning to green. I know what I want. But now... my dilemma is: What do I need?

I miss you terribly. I didn't know it until now. I want to just be there for you right now. I want you to just take me. I had to stop looking when I saw you talk to her... I didn't want to read it, because I was scared it'd convey something I wouldn't dare want to see. And I held my breath and looked away. And then I thought. I am so unfair. He should be given this. I mean I talk to so many people. But seeing that. Seeing you so close. Feeling so far away...
I miss you.

I am talking. And talking. And talking. Of course I think of the future and where this is headed. Somewhere down the road it's just going to drop dead. I know. I am not sure what he thinks. But I know. I am thinking of the possibilities though. MAYBE. But I doubt it because I know the reality and truth of the situation. It'll never work out. 

Yeah I kind of just want to go up to dahdah and tell him this:
FUCK YOU. Fuck you for giving up so quickly, and changing so drastically. Fuck you for trying to bury our friendship under some measly month of bullshit. Fuck you for not only giving in, but for running away from me in the process and getting angry at me. Fuck you for believing her. And Fuck you for thinking you have the power over me. You thought I'd cave huh? Well, what's it feel like to only see my cold shoulder? Keep trying to make contact with me. You are going to have to say sorry first...

I am pretty competitive--and I hate to lose. Especially, since I feel like after getting so close, I'm losing you...

He sounded different. I should have thought of a better way to say it than I had. I laughed on the phone too much. Like I thought this was all a joke--when I had been deeply shaken by it in the back of my mind for a while. But it's over. I feel less mature for some reason. Like he's older than me and more experienced in life. But he's not. I guess what I'm saying is I feel immature. And I can picture his face. And the way he moved over me. But I like to picture us walking, myself on the sidewalk, him on the street. The way I leaned on him, the way he held me up. The way we smiled and laughed and kissed. Thank God I never have to even think about living with him or that night forever though, now. 

Open your eyes. Even in the dark I can see the light shining, outlining, defining you. I know who I am with no matter the time of day. 








You used to promise me dates and calls. I never asked for any of that at all. Never wanted that with you, just wanted something--someone--new.  I held on for such a long time--in the back of my mind. But then you went on and you opened me wide, for everyone.... Now I see you watching me, and I know I have all the memories tucked away in my back-seat. I used to be attached, a latch-key kid, hoping you'd open that door. But the the power is all mine now. 
You weren't clever at all, I knew I had you between my claws. Never would have pounced so far though, but the drinks told me to. Oh, wouldn't she be proud? To hear you've been hanging around?   That little comment she made sure did foreshadow more than I dreamed. I just can't imagine the nightmare that'll follow, if you and me, became we.   

Long time no see honey...