I don't care what he thinks. It doesn't matter anymore. I repeat the mantra in my head. Over and over again. But it doesn't seem to help. I am dying to have a best friend in him. But I can't make the transition. I'm not comfortable with him. And I am a hypocrite. I never thought he let his guard down with me. And he never did. He never really has for more than a phone call. And I always hated him for that. Always. I've spilled all the guts I have, only for him to swallow them up and save them for the future.

But this other guy. He's comfortable. He trusts me; even when I haven't proven him I'm trustworthy. And I'm still healing and still trying to recover from something I never knew I had; a heart. And I don't want anything more but a way to escape right now. 

ESCAPE. 

Because, I do care what he thinks. I do wonder if I run around in his mind. I do wonder where he's at now. Because I am so far away from the girl he knew me as. I am still rooted in the same soil, but my leaves are changing colors, and my flowers and transforming into something no-one has ever seen. And I do not know what that means. 

But I can't face the truth. We aren't ready. I want to escape.

But there's this consequence. If he ever finds out the truth, I'd be different in his eyes. But the double standard doesn't apply (to him). It's so frustrating. I wish I could destroy my thoughts and his own. We could live on impulse and instinct, and everything would be clear.

We could live like animals.

Happy, wild, animals.